As I settle into bed I squeeze my-now significantly smaller-minus the oversized pregnancy belly-self into the nook in my husbands arms. I bury my face into his chest and breath in this perfect moment. And the fear hits me. Like a hot lightening bolt from within and it tingles all the way to my fingers.
“What if Levi never has this moment?”
What if he never gets to know what this feels like?
I have never in my life worried about such unknowable, far away things. With Jayden it was so easy to just think, “Well, he’s so perfect anything he wants he can have, he just has to take it.” You know, the kinds of things all Moms think about their children. But with Levi, I don’t know yet what the extent of his disabilities will be. What if they make him completely unable to relate to others? Will I ever be able to completely communicate to him how intensely he is loved? Will another woman ever love him the way I love Josh?
I tell myself that there is no way to ever know ahead of time. There are no guarantees in this life. We could all die tomorrow. Any Mother could instantly lose the promises of tomorrow she thought her beautiful baby brought her at anytime and what good would it do her to worry about it until then? Wasting precious moments on “what ifs” and “will it be”… It’s no way to live life and it’s something I have very rarely ever done in my own life.
Yet here I sit, in tears, worrying over what may or may not be with no promises or guarantees in sight to comfort me.
I am on this unknown path. The way ahead of me is dark. I can’t even imagine what may be in store because I don’t have any clue what a life like this might look like. It’s scary.
This is exactly what I was thinking when I stumbled across this:
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
There it was. A Promise! It builds me up inside to hear this, to know it’s true. It gives me the beginnings of strength.
I will never know ahead of time what this path will hold. None of us do, or ever will. But I do know that I do not walk this path alone.
I am not forsaken.