Promises in the Dark

As I settle into bed I squeeze my-now significantly smaller-minus the oversized pregnancy belly-self into the nook in my husbands arms. I bury my face into his chest and breath in this perfect moment. And the fear hits me. Like a hot lightening bolt from within and it tingles all the way to my fingers.

“What if Levi never has this moment?”

What if he never gets to know what this feels like?

I have never in my life worried about such unknowable, far away things. With Jayden it was so easy to just think, “Well, he’s so perfect anything he wants he can have, he just has to take it.” You know, the kinds of things all Moms think about their children. But with Levi, I don’t know yet what the extent of his disabilities will be. What if they make him completely unable to relate to others? Will I ever be able to completely communicate to him how intensely he is loved? Will another woman ever love him the way I love Josh?

I tell myself that there is no way to ever know ahead of time. There are no guarantees in this life. We could all die tomorrow. Any Mother could instantly lose the promises of tomorrow she thought her beautiful baby brought her at anytime and what good would it do her to worry about it until then? Wasting precious moments on “what ifs” and “will it be”… It’s no way to live life and it’s something I have very rarely ever done in my own life.

Yet here I sit, in tears, worrying over what may or may not be with no promises or guarantees in sight to comfort me.

I am on this unknown path. The way ahead of me is dark. I can’t even imagine what may be in store because I don’t have any clue what a life like this might look like. It’s scary.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I stumbled across this:

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16

There it was. A Promise! It builds me up inside to hear this, to know it’s true. It gives me the beginnings of strength.

I will never know ahead of time what this path will hold. None of us do, or ever will. But I do know that I do not walk this path alone.

 

 

I am not forsaken.

 

 

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9 Responses to Promises in the Dark

  1. Josh says:

    Wow. I think this is the best post you have ever written. You are not alone on this journey, I am here, and God is with us. I love you.

  2. Nancy says:

    I agree with you, Josh. Your writing and your lives touch my heart at the deepest levels. I believe you are writing a book, Amanda.

    We continue to pray for all of you and yes, indeed, there is a promise…He will never leave you or little Levi.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Amazing. You have an amazing strength that is so uplifting to me. I know that God is the author and creator of that strength and it’s so encouraging to know that God is at work in the lives of those who so need it. Thank you.

  4. Shelby says:

    I am finding God through you in many ways and it helps me know that what you have just posted is true. Thank you for that beautiful heart touching moment.

  5. Andrea says:

    Love this. All my love to you.

  6. Barbara says:

    I have felt those very same feelings and had the same thoughts for my sons. It is very painful to think those things. The difference is, in your pain you sought the Lord for answers and he gave them to you. I eventually looked to God for the help I needed to deal with those issues and he did answer me as well. You are so much more ahead of it all because you look for that help that only GOD can give us right away. Good for you. Keep doing that and he will take care of you and your family. There is something to the prayer warrior mother’s. Always continue to go to God first!

  7. Connie Fort says:

    Isn’t it nice to know that even in our darkest times when our fears can get out of control He is with us!
    We are not alone! We are loved and cherished by the God of the universe!! And He sees every tear!
    Keep writing, Amanda. You touch many hearts!

  8. Luanne says:

    Amanda, that is beautiful! You don’t know yet what God has planned for Levi but for sure Levi is valuable and precious in His sight. Moses had limitations, as other men of God have had but God greatly used them. Be prepared to be amazed!!!

  9. Phyllis Koenig says:

    Isn’t God amazing…wonderful post, Amanda!

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